The Weight of Living
by spiderlillie
Summary: Centering around S7 E10 Mercy, after Jay Halstead is shot, missing moments from the hospital and his recovery.
1. Part1

A/N: As stressed out as I was watching this episode, it was a great overall. But there is so much I wish could have happened! In the time frame of an hour it's impossible to get everything packed in, so that's okay because I can just write out all my ideas.

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Part 1: When Hank talked to Will

"Didn't take you for a smoker." Hank Voight's voice startles Will Halstead and for a split second he considers tossing the cigarette over the railing of the parking garage steps he's sitting on, like a high school kid getting caught.

"Oh, um I'm not, or well I haven't been in years actually. College, you know everyone did. I kinda bummed this one off a security guard. I just needed something to kinda take a breather with." Will's words tumble out in a rush and trail off towards the end.

"Hmm." Voight grunts in response before casually leaning against the opposite side of the stair rails to study Will. "How's your brother?"

Will awkwardly takes another drag feeling Voight's eyes on him. "He's... okay... just okay right now."

"What's going on, Will? Trudy made it all sound good." Voight questions feeling the concern of Will's tone.

Will shakes his head, trying to focus. "Oh yeah, no structural damage to the arm or shoulder. Artery is patched up and holding good. He's going to heal just fine and be ready for work in no time."

"But?" Voight asks after a few moments.

There's more, so much more looming over them.

Voight can sense in the way Will is talking, hiding in a parking garage. Can see in the way Will keeps nervously tapping his foot, taking quick drags from the cigarette.

"He... he had a full blown meltdown when he first woke up. He was in recovery and I just stepped out with Marcel for just a second to discuss how the surgery went. And he comes to and just goes into a meltdown. Like sobbing tears, begging me to take him home, trying to pick at the IV, pushing away anybody who tried to touch him, messing with the bandages. It wasn't pretty." Will takes another drag and leans his head against the stair rails. "I got worried we were going to have to restrain him or force sedation and I knew he was going to hate me if I let them do that to him."

"You get him calmed down?"

"Yeah, it took forever though. I just held him. I just grabbed him and held him. That's all I could do, he finally just cried himself out. He's a lot calmer now, I got Dr. Marcel to up his dose of pain meds and give him just something light for his nerves... It was not good though. At all." Will inhales sharply.

Voight takes it all in and shakes his head. "Jay caught hell on this one. Got beat around and then got shot, all because he was trying to help someone. Wakes up in a hospital bed after a couple hours in surgery. Probably could cause anyone to freak out a little."

Will stays quiet for a few seconds and looks at the ground before finally looking back up to Voight. "I don't know if I should tell you this, because you're right, he's just freaking out. But... he said something and I know he doesn't mean it. But he said it and in that moment, him crying and shaking and just talking nonsense, I was scared he did."

"What did he say, Will?" Voight finally asks as Will takes a long drag of the cigarette and holds it for a second before blowing back out.

"That he deserved to die. That we should have just let him die for all the bad things he's done. That people have died because of him and he deserved to die for it."

Marcus West, Angela's husband. Voight feels like he's been punched in the gut. He closes his eyes for a second and imagines the scene Will has described. Jay in pain and groggy, scared and all mixed up as Will tried to hold his brother together.

Voight wants to haul her to trial right then and there. Prove to Halstead a mistake, an honest mistake didn't mean he should pay with his life.

"Once he calmed down a little though, he asked me a lot about the lady that was brought in around the same time. I haven't caught her name or really what happened, I've just been so focused on him. He asked me what was going on with her and I honestly didn't know. I told her she was alive and under guard and that's all I knew. Jay seemed really worried about her, said he knew her son, and the dad was gone or something. You know, maybe you could give him some details, kinda let him know if everything was good, might help him out some." Will's words come out in a flush as Voight stares blankly at him. He's trying to change the subject, shift back to focusing on how to help his brother. But for Voight it feels like another punch.

Damn Halstead. He literally could be dead, thinks he should be dead, but damn if he wants to make sure everybody got to go live happily ever after. Voight shakes his head, he doesn't even know where to begin to untangle all of this. He stands finally looking back down as Will finishes his cigarette and crushes it out under the toe of his shoe.

"Why don't we go in, Will? It's cold out here. I wanna go see your brother, make sure he's okay, and get some things figured out."

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TBC!

Thank you for reading! I have a few more ideas from this episode in the works and hopefully will get them posted in the next couple of weeks!


	2. Part2

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Part 2: The Halstead brothers heal alone

It's the hybrid OR, Doctor Marcel has finished the surgery, there's still bloody gauze all over the floor, empty blood bags from the transfusions. A ventilator tube is still down Jay's throat, it'll be taken out soon but it was necessary for the invasive surgery. He's still mostly under the sedation but Will knows it'll only be a matter of time once he's settled in recovery that they'll drop the dose in his IV and wake him up. The relief of knowing Jay will be awake soon is comforting.

Two surgical nurses are helping clean Jay's bloodied body up some before he is taken to recovery.

It crosses Will's mind as he helps a nurse wash blood out of Jay's hair that his brother would have a fit if he knew he was on a vent.

He sighs tiredly, looking down at Jay's still too pale face. He rinses a matted patch of hair clean and tries to keep focused on the task but he keeps staring at all the wounds on his brother's face. He's already placed a butterfly closure on the open wound of the cheek. But even more bruises litter his body, scrapes in odd places. Will sighs deeply, running the back of his hand hand gently over Jay's forehead.

It must have hurt like hell. It must have been hell he went through...

When he glances back up, they are no longer in the Hybrid OR, cleaning Jay up but in the hospital morgue. Will looks down into his brother's cold, pale face. Washed clean of all blood and without the bright lights of a surgical area, the bruises seem to be glaring. His lips are blue, his freckles like lifeless dots. And then there's the whole in his chest that Will can't look away from. A large gaping wound that tears through his naked his chest. A thin white sheet covers his lower half.

Natalie Manning is standing at the other side of the slab.

"Do you think he's cold?" Will hears himself ask.

Natalie eyes him slowly before dropping her left hand with an engagement ring, that stupid engagement ring from that stupid guy who caused so much chaos a few months ago, on her finger to Jay's throat. "Time of death 13:05." Medical terms swirl through his mind but the thing that keeps repeating itself is his brother is dead...

Will wakes with a start, nearly jumping up from the recliner he had fell asleep in. Jay is laying on the couch, close by. His soft snores just barely heard over the tv. Will watches the rise and fall of his naked chest, stark white bandage covering the gunshot wound. The actual wound from the outside isn't terribly big, the gauze covering it just a standard square. Jay fidgets in his sleep, pushing the flannel blanket down some, more proof he's alive and mostly well.

He takes a shaky breath, it was all a dream, just a dream. Jay lived. Jay is alive. He's on the couch right here, asleep, and fine, except for the healing shoulder.

The nausea hits Will next and he pushes himself out of the recliner as quietly as possible. He stumbles as he makes his way to the bathroom and quickly splashes cold water on his face, hoping to settle the brewing feelings in his chest and stomach.

The tears soon follow. He cries silently, the pain of almost losing his brother a few days ago is still too real. Still too hard to think about. He's busied himself in looking after Jay. Camping out in his brother's apartment, making sure he's taking all of his meds, helping him shower, and keeping bandages changed. But it still feels like a sucker punch anytime his mind slips to the real possibility of Jay Halstead being dead.

"Will?" Jay's voice comes groggy and cracked from behind him.

Will clears his throat but doesn't turn around, not ready to face his brother. "Go lay back down, Jay."

"Will? What's wrong?" Jay asks, concern and alarm coming into his sleepy tone.

"It's okay. Everything is fine, just go lay back down." Will tries again and finally straightens up and turns to face him. The evidence of tears still there and he wipes hurriedly at his face when he notices Jay start to frown.

"Are you okay?" Jay asks quickly, he's leaning hard on the door frame but his eyes show his alertness. The dog has padded into the bathroom and lets out a soft whine, even he can sense Will's discomfort.

"I'm fine. It's nothing. I'm okay, just give me a minute?" Will tries but watches his brother's slumped shoulders.

"What's going on? Something is wrong. Do you need anything?" Jay questions and Will shakes his head.

He clears his throat and give himself a few seconds of controlled breaths. "Everything is okay, I'm good, I just need a second. You can go lay back down."

Jay stands up straighter and takes a step towards his Will and wraps his right arm around him, pulling him into a hug. Neither one

Up close Will inhales the scent of his brother's shampoo and carefully wraps his own arms around his brother. The tears start back and he rests his forehead on Jay's good shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Jay murmurs as he gently uses his left arm to hold onto Will.

"No, no Jay don't be sorry, okay?" Will says shifting to look Jay in the face. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You are okay and that's all that matters now. I just couldn't imagine losing you after losing dad. And it's still bothering me. I don't know... That day just keeps like repeating in my mind how close I came to losing you."

He drops his head back against Jay's shoulder as his brother remains silent. A moment passes as they stand holding onto each other, before Will speaks again. "We're all we have left, Jay. I was scared."

"I was scared too, Will." Jay finally says just above a whisper.

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TBC!

Thank y'all for reading as always! And thanks for the all the comments/faves/follows!

This chapter feels angsty more than I intended to at first but it just didn't feel write being all cheery in the end... Anyways more to come soon!


	3. Part 3

Part 3: Waking Up

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Jay Halstead has no concept of time. He knows he's been asleep, knows he's been in pain, knows there have been people around him who have poked and prodded him, knows things have been happening. But at the same time, he knows absolutely nothing.

When he finally forces himself into some sort of state of consciousness, he realizes how awful things are. He's alive for starters, which for most people would be great. But for him, it feels like its own form of a life sentence. He shouldn't be, he was content into slipping into the darkness and just letting himself be nothing.

He had seen all the faces of the people who cared about him as he was being loaded into the ambulance and in the hospital the last face he had seen as he was being put to sleep for surgery was Will's. It felt like a fitting end...

Next comes the dizzying waves of pain. His shoulder and entire left side feels like someone poured lighter fluid inside of him and set it on fire. He tries to use his left arm to help himself up but it feels numb and heavy. It should deter him instead he pushes harder into it ignoring everything telling him to stop.

"Detective Halstead, just wait, please. You're brother will be right back." A quiet voice tells him.

"No." His own voice is raspy and harsh like he hasn't spoken in years. "No, I have to go."

"Why don't you have some ice chips? It'll help your throat." The same voice tries again.

But he ignores her, he's busy trying to keep his eyes open and sit himself up until something catches his attention. There's all kinds of wires that disappear under the loose gown to his chest. He stares at them for a few seconds, finally stilling to try and remember.

His eyes trace over the stark white bandage. He reaches for it and suddenly a hand connects with him, stopping him from touching it.

"No, Detective Halstead, you can't take that off right now." A new voice stops him sternly, keeping a grip on his wrist and trying to move his hand away.

"Let me go, it hurts." Jay's wrist is sore and having someone grab it is the last thing he wants right now. "I have to leave. Please."

"You can't right now," the first voice tells him. It still feels like he's underwater, his vision is blurry and nothing makes sense in his mind. Still she talks on trying to explain things until finally he catches back on. "You're in recovery at Chicago Med and you have to stay here for a little while."

He squeezes his shut to focus. The hospital. Yes. He knew that. The hospital. But why? What happened? It would be better for him to be dead, he knew that. But why?

It all comes back in a horrible second. Too fast. But he remembers every single detail, being hit from behind, being beaten, telling the truth, being shot, the faces of Intelligence, the ambulance ride, the emergency room, Will whispering 'I love you', and then being put to sleep. Where he had hoped he would stay for forever.

"I'm not supposed to be here." He finally looks up and makes eye contact with Elsa Curry, who's own eyes look wide and unsure behind her glasses. "I'm not supposed to be here, I'm supposed to be dead. I have to go."

His hand goes for the IV in his arm and the nurse on the other side with the strong grip once again reaches to intercept it, but this time he's ready. He pushes back, it isn't full strength but it's enough of a surprise she has to take a step back to steady herself. His eyes light over the bandage again and he has to see where the bullet went that should have killed him. His short finger nails scratch at the tape securing it only to have Elsa grab his hand.

"You're brother will be right back, okay? You're okay."

His brother. Will. Will is going to be upset, he can't see Will right now. He has to go before Will gets back. He has to go now, because he wants Will to have a good memory. He's going to be upset now.

"He's not going to be upset, I promise."

Jay stops fidgeting for a second to stare into Elsa's eyes. A new roll of panic from all the confusion sets in. Because now he can't tell the difference in his thoughts and what he's saying out loud. He can't be here anymore, he has to go. Now.

He jerks forward, gripping the bed rail, it makes the whole world tilt and he feels the heaviness of nausea come. Both the nurse and Elsa Curry try to stop him, he fights back against them. Trying to get up, trying to get the bandage off, trying to get the IV out, trying to get the oxygen cannula off his face. Anything to be free and gone. They struggle for a few seconds before Elsa turns her head and yells for Dr Halstead. Just at the same moment all his struggling bring an explosion of pain to his left arm. He cries out, another wave of panic and nausea hits him but it makes him more focused on leaving, struggling against them.

"Will!" Elsa yells for his brother again using his first name this time. Jay only fights harder, the fear of facing his brother makes the waves of nausea intensify.

There's a squeak of running shoes and more commotion but Will suddenly appears.

"Jay! Stop!"

Everything comes to a halt. He stops fighting back, the nurse lets him go and takes a step back. His right hand is still tangled in Elsa's and he squeezes hard, without realizing it. She flinches but keeps her grip just as strong. Holding on just in case he starts trying to get up again.

He's near hysterics, breathing hard as Dr. Marcel comes and stands behind his brother. A part of him feels trapped to have so many people all staring at him at once like some sort of caged animal.

"Jay. Stop." Will repeats, his tone still firm but becoming softer.

The fight leaves his body almost instantly and he lets out a sob that feels like it rips from inside him. There's a shift of quick quiet steps before Will replaces Elsa at his bedside and Marcel ushers her and the nurse out of the room.

Will doesn't say another word, just wraps Jay into his arms. Rocking them gently as Jay starts shaking. He can feel Will's right hand move between them to quickly get the oxygen line straightened out and then shifts Jay a little to get it back in place. Feels his fingers graze against where the IV is and Jay knows he's messed it up as Will fumbles besides them and then presses tissues down over it. It seems to make Jay cry worse, his breaths coming out in small stutters but Will keeps gently shushing Jay and rubbing his back.

"You should have just let me die." Jay manages to get out between broken cries and gasps. "I don't deserve to be here. I should be dead. I deserve to be dead."

Will pauses for a second and pulls back to get a good look at Jay in the face. "Jay, you're okay, don't talk like that."

"No!" His voice comes out in tremors but it's sharp. "People die because of me, it's all my fault. I don't want this anymore."

Jay falls into the crook of Will's neck and starts fresh sobs. Will rubs a hand up and down his back. They stay like that for a few minutes, Jay is tense and on edge and he keeps waiting on Will to tell him it's all a dream or that it's a mistake or something, anything. But the words don't come and he can't see Will's face to know what's going on in his mind.

"Please, please Will, just take me home. I just can't be here anymore." Jay finally forces words out between sobs. "I just want to go home, let me go home and I won't bother anyone. I'm sorry."

"Jay..." Will tries but can't find words so he pulls his brother closer instead. Jay's head rest against Will's chest and he clings to the comfort of the embrace and the beating rhythm of his brother's heart.

"It's the anesthesia." Crockett Marcel says aloud. He had slipped back into the room quietly to check on his patient and help Will if needed. "Happens from time to time. Everybody reacts differently. You know all that though."

"Right." Will finally says.

"So we have three options right now." Marcel begins as he produces some gauze and tape. "The good nurse Glenda wants him in restraints."

Jay stiffens in Will's arms. He's still crying hard but the thought of restraints scares him into trying to silence his tears.

"I didn't mean to push her." Jay says quietly as he sniffles. He's in so much trouble. "I'm sorry, I... I really didn't mean... please don't do that. Please don't tie me down."

Marcel just merely nods, holding up his hands innocently. "I'm not going to, I personally don't think that's a good idea either. But she has a point, you're in no condition to be struggling."

"Second option?" Will asks letting Jay bury his face back into his arms as Jay starts crying silently again. Will does his best to guide the arm with the blood dripping IV from between them. "Jay, take a deep breath, okay? We're figuring this out. He's just going to fix the IV, you just pulled it a little."

Jay hesitates but finally lowers his arm and lets Crockett look at it. Crockett examines it and Jay catches the nod to Will after a moment. He's a quick and careful doctor, adjust it then places fresh tape strips over it, satisfied that Jay hadn't done more than just aggravate it.

"Sedation."

"I don't want that either." Jay knows he's cowering into his brother, but he's really trying to get himself under control. He's so tired but he's already been asleep a long time. And he just can't go through waking up like this again. His chest feels like it's tightening and his breathing ragged but Will is still calm and holding him.

"Take a breath, Jay." Will tells him softly. Jay catches the glances between the two doctors and hopes the next idea isn't worse.

"Option number three is you listen to your brother." Marcel states plainly coming to stand behind Will. "You're going to either pop those stitches loose and rip back open your wound or hyperventilate and pass out. Neither one would be good for you."

Jay looks up finally and nods. He shifts so he's sitting back, closes his eyes, and blows out a shaky breath. When he opens his eyes again Will is watching cautiously, giving Jay some space, but holding his hand.

"Just keep taking deep breaths." Will coaches as Jay finally lays back against the pillow. He copies Will for a few more minutes and then sighs.

"My arm feels weird. I think I might have accidentally already pulled something loose." He tells them quietly.

Will gives him a sympathetic smile as Marcel nods and goes around to the other side of the bed.

"Let's get that looked out then, shall we?" Marcel tells him, sliding the gown out of the way and starts gently peeling the bandage back. Will lets out a low hum, seeing blood and a few of the stitches loose. "Think he reopened anything?"

"He probably would have already passed out by now if he had." Marcel tells him as he takes a gloved hand and gently feels around the remaining row of stitches. He thinks it over for a few seconds before pulling the blanket back up to just under Jay's wound and laying the bandage back in place. "We'll do an ultrasound just below it to make sure he isn't bleeding again internally. We are going to have do some more stitches though."

Jay looks down away away from his brother and the other doctor. "I didn't mean to pull them loose."

"Not a big deal. You had major blood loss, were under heavy anesthesia, pain meds, the whole works. It's confusing to wake up like that." Marcel keeps a natural, understanding smile on his face.

"Are you hurting right now, Jay?" Will asks and Jay shrugs, already closing himself back off.

"How about we go on and get something for the pain? We're going to be doing fresh stitches and what they gave you after surgery is probably starting to wear off."

"Nothing strong." Jay finally agrees his voice just above a whisper.

"And maybe something to kinda help you settle down some." Will adds. Jay can see the glances between Will and Marcel, so he knows they are already on the same page about this.

Still Jay goes to protest, he doesn't want to be sedated again, he doesn't want to have to go through this awful waking up phase. "I don't really..."

"Nothing strong, you have my word. Something light, it'll just help relax you." Dr Marcel reassures him with a quick nod to Will. "In the meantime Will, just keep an eye on his blood pressure. I'll get a tech and we'll check things out."

He disappears heading towards the nurses station leaving the brothers alone. Will seems to be lost in thought for awhile and absentmindedly brushes his fingers across Jay's cheek. His face is still tender from being slapped around but Will's touch is soothing and wipes away the shed tears.

"Talk to me." Will finally says.

Jay shakes his head solemnly. "I'm sorry..."

"No." Will cuts him off quickly but with a gentle tone. "Not like that. I know how this happened and this is not your fault."

"You don't know all of it then." Jay says looking back down away from his brother's questioning gaze. His eyes linger on his arm and wrist, the skin is red and raw and he thinks things over. "Wait, there should have been woman brought in the same time I was, where is she? Is she okay? She was really hurt, Will. Is she okay? Is she in Med?"

"Woah, woah, woah." Will says holding up his hands, glancing to the monitors that currently have increasing beeping. "She's good as far as I know. I don't really know much about what's going on with her though, because I've been a little busy looking after you. But here, goodish-stable condition, under guard. All I know."

"Can you find out what's going on with her?" Jay asks.

"Yes, I promise. But right now I'm going to sit here with you and you are going to try and be really calm, okay?"

Will gives him a weary smile that Jay forces himself to mimic. They are both faking it and they both know it but neither seems ready to give in.

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TBC!

Thanks as always for reading and commenting! I've been away for awhile and never meant to leave this story unattended for so long. The last couple of months just left me struggling to write or edit. But I've got at least one more idea for this left. Anyways hope everyone is well!


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